I matter

I matter. I don't know when and where I picked up that no matter what good I do, it does not matter. For example: Even if I eat leafy green vegetables as a meal for being healthy, it does not matter or help in making me strong. My whole existence does not matter. A bit too much for my first-time readers but keep reading it will make sense. 

I think what happened growing up in India was, I was the youngest in my family of 4. And no matter what I said, was disregarded or taken for granted. In Indian culture and in most cultures, when you are the youngest, the way you are looked at is, "you are young, shup up, you don't know what you are talking about. Let the elders decide." What I said, did not matter to my family members or to my sibling. I was looked as someone who just existed, someone who should just listen to elders and do as told. Anyone else have that in their family dynamic? you are the youngest, do as you are told. Do not ask too many questions and just listen to elders. In those dynamics, I gave my power away to people outside of me. I started seeing myself as someone who did not matter. And that belief system snow balled to something bigger as time passed by. I started to believe that no matter what good I did, did not count. I did not count. I did not matter. No matter how good I did for my health, it does not matter because I would self-sabotage it with something equally unhealthy. You know what I mean? 

We as humans are powerful beings. Our thoughts are powerful, and we create our own reality. While making a meal or while exercising or while trying to be healthy, if your mental conversation to yourself is, "what's the point anyways? OR this isnt going to work OR this isn't giving me the results fast enough I am done spending time doing this? that self-talk is more sabotaging than anything else. I just recently caught myself with one of these self-sabotaging conversations while making a healthy meal for myself. I had to stop and catch myself. And when I tried to get to the bottom of this cycle, I realized this is something I picked up as a child growing up in India. Years later, I am realizing I matter. What I do, how I do it. What I say, how I say it. What I eat, what I do for selfcare and selflove. It all matters. I matter. My actions towards myself matter. And when you put a positive spin to your personal talk then miracles happen my friend. Because now we are putting power and intention behind our words and actions. Positive self-talk is much more healing and soothing then negative self-talk. Words are powerful. Self-talk that is positive, encouraging and loving are even more powerful. 

I did a recode that helped me release my negative self-talk. I immediately saw a difference in my being. Recode takes 24 to 48 hours to ground in our reality. I grounded it by making sure that I would repeat on regular basis that "I matter" and that everything I am doing counts and mattes. And not only counts, but also sets out a butterfly effect giving permission to others to evolve and love themselves so much more and it gives them permission in letting them know, that they matter, that "you matter"

Expressing Anger can be healthy and healing

 

PS: I don't have a picture of me expressing my anger, so instead I am posting what I created recently with my kiddo :) which is me resting on the grass, looking at the sky roll by. As the river flows nearby.

When was the last time you allowed yourself to express your anger? Since I was a child suppressing anger instead of expressing it was the most common cultural thing to do. I remember being a good girl if I kept my mouth shut instead of saying what I truly felt. And I feel like nothing much has truly changed since then. I haven't allowed or given myself the permission to express anger because that would mean I'm not a good girl. That would mean I'm misbehaving. That would mean I'm going against the society rule of what a good girl should be doing. Suppressing that anger or not even allowing yourself to feel any anger is something I've trained myself to do for a very long time. And now I feel like it is showing up in my world more and more knocking on my door asking me to express what frustrates me asking me to express how I'm truly feeling asking me to express my true nature instead of suppressing it with sugarcoats and sweetness. How many of us do this? how many of us suppress our inner voice of wanting to scream on top of their lungs expressing how we feel but we don't allow ourselves to because that means we're not a good girl or a good boy? Anger is not a bad emotion anger gets a bad Rep because when expressed it can hurt the other person and when expressed it can come out in violence, but if you go to the roots of where it starts from not being able to speak your truth and then bottling it up, and again bottling it up, and then again bottling it up.

Anger expressed in a controlled manner is so healthy for every single one of us. For example, anger expressed in a kickboxing class or anger expressed in a boxing class or anger expressed in a shooting range or anger expressed at a golf course (of course on the ball) or anger expressed at one of those furniture breaking places. And as I write this, I feel that permission needs to be given to every little child every little girl every little boy to recognize that anger is OK, and it is OK to express that emotion in a controlled space. What do you think about this?

In Ayurveda and in Chinese medicine (please correct me if I am wrong) but your seat of anger in your body is the liver. When you catch yourself getting angry for small reasons or no reasons, it is mostly because liver is overloaded with toxins, and it needs to go through either a cleanse and/or expression of anger. And what better way to do so than by eating healthier foods, especially apples. Apples, beet roots, carrots are some great fruits and vegetables for the liver. Even making a juice out of that trio is delicious and nurturing to our liver and healing. So, if you are anything like me or if you have suppressed your anger / your true nature, now is a good time to look at your life. Beginning of the new year, give yourself permission to feel those feelings and if need be, find a space where you can express that anger in a controlled manner. I actually started boxing lately and it really helps me harness those feelings and emotions and focus on directing it on the sandbag in front of me. Let 2022 be an authentic year for you, and for me. Happy New Year everyone. 

Learning to stand up for myself

Learning to stand up for myself and my back goes out. Go figure. When one hasn’t stood up for themselves their entire lives; when one has given their power away to people outside of them their entire lives, so that they could be liked; finding your own strength and power to stand by yourself takes a lot of back pain and adjusting (physically and emotionally)

I am talking about myself here. I have given my power away to everyone outside of me so that I can be liked. I have mentioned this before in one of my posts on facebook. How I am a people pleaser and how this work with Chris Duncan is really helping me get my power back. But it’s not something that shifts overnight, or maybe it is? It is all completely up to us what we have been holding on to, and for how long? I feel this has been a disposition for me since I was a little child. My sister used to beat me up, I remember very clearly asking me to “speak up. Stand up for yourself. Why are you allowing other people to dictate your life for you? Defend yourself (but always allow me to dictate your life, okay? 😉😊)

Its amazing to see how that becomes a pattern and we allow others to govern our lives because all we want is to be loved. Taking back that power and standing up for yourself is not just an emotional shift but in my case a physical one too. I threw my back out about a week ago and it is so difficult to get anything done and I kept digging and trying to figure out of why I would throw my back out. I wasn’t doing anything tedious. I was mimicking an actor on tv, he was doing a kapalabhati pranayama breathing technique. And instead of sitting in the proper posture (which is either padmasana (legs crossed) or vajrasana (leg folded back)) I started doing the exercise without its proper positioning and hence I felt the shift. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was meant to happen. If I wasn’t mimicking breathing technique, then it would have been me lifting something heavy. It was waiting in the woodwork for me to make a move and pounce just like a tiger pounces on a little baby dear, my back went out and I have been in severe pain for one week now.

I have given my power away to my father, my mother, my sister, friends, family members and people I don’t even know. God, how much did I not love myself to want to gain other people’s approval and attention? Why would I do that to myself? Somewhere I believed that love only comes from people outside of me. There was no concept of self-love. Give yourself to others and in return you will get love. I think that is why I love serving. I have to give service to others for approval (in this case, money). I must give something to get something in return. Wow. Who else has that disposition in their belief system? Give yourself to others, get love in return?

Standing up for myself: metaphor or actually using my body to make that happen? What does standing up for myself look like? It’s different to every individual.  Standing up means having a voice and saying what feels true to me and my heart. Standing up and saying NO, when someone is crossing your boundaries. Standing up and saying, “this does not work for me” when it doesn’t. Standing up and saying, “this is where my limit is, please respect it”. Standing up and saying, “this is my point of view and I take a stand with it”. For me, fear of loss has been huge since I have lost my mother and my father. So, I do go above and beyond to please people and make sure I have their love and approval in my life. But it’s different for every one of us. Self-love, self-respect, self-care and self-understanding are just words until you imply them. What does it mean to self-love? Learning to listen to that little voice within you over other people’s voices. Hear what others have to say, but then take a moment and breathe, sit with yourself and see if it resonates with you or are you just agreeing because you want to be accepted? In the same way, standing up for myself physically means: stand up using thigh muscles, loosen your glutes and tighten your stomach muscles. I am learning to stand up for myself physically and mentally and boy there is pain. Lots of pain, and growth along the way.

Thank You for being here and reading

Letter to Fat on my body

Please note: This is not an excuse to not working out or taking better care of my health. It is merely an understanding of the fat on my body.

Oh Fat on my body: How I have hated THEE, even though ALL you have done is protected me. I wished evil upon you; that you burn and melt out from my life. So many times I have tried destroying your evil empire on my body, different techniques, different diets to get rid of you from me. Oh dear fat, how I hated THEE when ALL you have done is protected me. 

    You protected me from feelings of hurt. Whenever I could not stand up for myself or speak in time in my defense, a layer was formed around my heart and body protecting me so that no one could ever make me feel that sad again. Whenever I couldn't speak my truth and buried it deep where no one could find it, another layer of you was created within me to protect my heart and keep me safe in my body. With each incident instead of running it out or exercising or standing up for myself I choose to be a people pleaser and shove that voice deep within creating yet another layer of you around me. Whenever my heart broke, whether it was because of a loss, or an ending of a relationship fat you were there to fill in that grief for me. No matter how hard I wish you away the truth is you have kept me and my heart safe till day.

I feel safe now, and I am feel it might be safe for me to be thin again. I question will I be able to stand negative attacks from the world outside of me if I loose the one thing that has been protecting me? Dear Fat, you have been my shield from what the world has said about me, and NOW to wish you BE, is a question I have. Who will keep me safe and protected once you are gone? Will I be able to stand up for myself for once? Will I be able to speak my truth at the moment when it matters? Will I shut my voice down again to hear other's over mine? Oh fat, no matter what I have said about you, you have only protected me through and through. This might be the first time I understand you and why you have chosen to be here with me. Thank You fat for protecting me and for keeping me safe ALL these years. I am Grateful for you. That does not mean my journey to becoming stronger stops, it just means I see you for what you are and I LOVE YOU 

Eat a Rainbow

 

Eat a Rainbow

Karuna’s dentist advise us to “Eat a rainbow”. In general find fruits and veggies in every different color and make sure to make them a part of your diet throughout the day. I was like, “really? Is this the new fad or something? Eat a Rainbow?” And then of course we start incorporating what pediatric dentist shares and start looking up how to do so successfully. You get the point.

Fast forward few days later, I am trying to go to sleep but am having difficulty doing so, so I start meditating while laying down and it came to me, think of eating a rainbow as if you are feeding your chakras. Rainbow is the same color as your chakras. 

Red is the color of the root chakra, Sanskrit name: Muladhara chakra located at the base of our spine and is also our first chakra. When you eat a tomato or watermelon, tell yourself; here I am feeding my root chakra.

In the similar manner when you eat an orange or carrots, let yourself know; here I am feeding my sacral chakra, Sanskrit name: Swadhishthana chakra located below the belly button and is represented by the color orange.

When eating a banana or a yellow squash tell yourself; here I am feeding my Solar chakra, Sanskrit name: Manipura chakra which is located little above the belly button represented by color yellow and is our 3^rd chakra.

When eating greens, may that be avocado or green leafy vegetable; here I am feeding my heart chakra, Sanskrit name: Anahata chakra which is located at the heart center and is the 4^th chakra represented by color green.

When eating blueberries or purple potatoes you can say, here I am feeding my throat chakra, Sanskrit name: Vishuddha chakra which is located at our throat and is our 5^th chakra represented by color blue.

 And when eating grapes or an eggplant you can say here I am feeding my third eye chakra, Sanskrit name: Ajna chakra which is located in between our eyebrows and is our 6^th chakra represented by color purple.

And when we eat raisins or blackberries we can say, here I am feeding my Crown Chakra, Sanskrit name: Sahasrara chakra which is our 7^th chakra located above our head represented by color Indigo.

So even if this may be a fad for now, we can have some fun with it. Feed your chakras the rainbow that it truly is. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing about it. For more information on chakras check out www.arhantayoga.org.

Dismissal

 

As an adult I have learned to second guess myself. It's not something I am proud of, but it has been a norm for me for a long time. I wondered often where did that come from? Was it because when I said something to adults as a child, they dismissed my request or my belief? I think that may have been one of the many factors.

I have so much to take away from my childhood as I am sure so do you. Today, Karuna my 4 year old was playing with the box with lentils in it and she said, "mommy, there is kidi (ant) in there". I am like, "let me see". And to my naked eye I could not see any ants crawling around. We went back and forth for several minutes and I still couldn't see what she was talking about. By this time my usual reaction would have been, "there isn't any kidi (ant), I don't know what you are talking about" and dismissed it. But I remember that is how I stopped listening to my inner voice and started doubting it in the first place. Approval from our parents is such an important part of our well being. I needed to listen to what she was talking about and saying. Knowing that I was cooking and what was on the stove needed my attention, I asked my husband to assist. I did not want to dismiss her. I shared the story with my husband and now he started looking in the box, but he couldn't see what she was talking about either. Next thing we know, we have this baking sheet, we laid out all the lentils on there and emptied out the box. Then, my husband suggested we look at it under the sun as it can be deceiving under kitchen light. Luckily, it was sunny today and so he took the lentils outside. Hold be hold. there were ants. And they weren't ant's that you could see easily to your naked eye. They were ants that were crawling, so small that you would have to stand real still to watch them move. And I wouldn't have noticed them under kitchen light. I had to go under sunlight to see it. God dang it. Who knew? Here I was so sure my daughter was wrong, turned out it was me who needed to be patient and give her a chance to prove herself.

How many times has that happened to us? How many times have we dismissed ourselves or our inner child's voice when there is something so important that needed to be shared and discussed. How many times have we shunned our children away, because we were so darn sure that what we were seeing and doing was both correct and best for them? And how many times we have ran out of patience and dismissed what they have to say?

Hey, I happen to be a culprit to all of these. I too have been a victim of giving up when my daughter has demanded more than I could provide. But this incident helped me take that extra minute to help her see what she needed to see. To help her listen to her inner voice and for her to know that we are here to support her inner voice and that we will listen, hopefully without dismissing her in the present and in the future. Again, I am not a perfect parent and I don't plan to be, but I do hope to be a better parent for my child so that she does not end up second guessing her inner voice, like I have done. 

Thank You for reading

Purusha and Prakriti / Masculine and Feminine / Shiva and Shakti

 

Image copied from : Nakshatra Arts on Facebook 

All my efforts in my life have been in raising my consciousness. In Hindu culture Consciousness is Purusha/ Shiva. And that is great!!! Raising consciousness is extremely important in this life. that is what takes us towards samadhi/ liberation. Purusha is also compared to as Masculine energy. But what about Prakruti/ nature? Prakruti is compared to as feminine energy. What about this vessel named body that we came in? Consciousness/ Purusha is incomplete without Nature/ Prakruti. Purusha needs prakruti to express itself. And prakruti needs purusha to bring life into her. They are incomplete without each other. Consciousness needs nature to help express itself and nature needs consciousness to elevate itself. It's the yin to the yang. I hope I am not getting too complicated here. 

So, my body is the vessel, is carved out of nature to contain this consciousness / soul to help express itself. And even though I am doing everything in my power to help raise consciousness, it is not enough. Because without raising the vibration of the body/ nature this journey is incomplete. And how many of us do that? WE are either 100% focused on either raising ourselves spiritually or fixated on our body? This journey on this planet requires to raise both the vibrations that of our body and that our soul. One isn't enough. And that I got to remember on one of my walk's. Especially now, when pioneers are on the precipice and are being called to light the way, lightworkers have to be both, spiritual and physically fit. Financially capable and spiritual. It's not just one anymore. It's staying healthy physically and raising our vibration spiritually. 

Namaste